By: Natascha Graham
Last night I had the same dream twice, one after the other, only waking briefly in between. In my dream I was trapped and hiding inside my ex-girlfriend’s house, terrified she would find me. When she did, I responded by beginning to tidy her house to try to placate her. When that didn’t work, I tried to call my kids to tell them we had to leave. I kept calling them and eventually had to pull them away from playing with her kids so that we could go home. I remember her saying, “Ok kids we will spend the day together tomorrow so that you can play some more.” I felt the familiar panic begin to rise, but unlike when we were actually together, I said, “Oh…actually we have plans with my mom tomorrow.” She looked at me, then turned to her kids and said, “Right twins! Obviously we have to make our own plans for tomorrow because Natascha can’t be bothered to put us first.” Then I left, with my kids, and that’s when I woke up.
My ex was a narcissist, and the infantile pettiness I revisited in my dream was only the tip of the metaphorical iceberg, as far as her abuse was concerned. During the eighteen months I spent with her, I was viciously and relentlessly bullied. I was overruled, belittled, ignored, manipulated, alienated from my family and friends, lied to, cheated on and abused. She was a compulsive liar, even about the little things. She checked my phone, projected her own bad behavior onto me, gaslit me, and made innumerable unreasonable requests, such as expecting me to look after and walk her dog and clean and tidy her house every single day, which involved the washing, drying and putting away of all laundry, defrosting fridges, making the beds for her and her children, tidying away toys, putting away the grocery shopping, and if I wasn’t at her house at the exact time she wanted me there, she would tell me to go home, because I wasn’t putting her first. She expected me to put her wants and needs above the needs of myself and my children, and if I didn’t, she would give me the silent treatment.
- Getting Out Was the First Step
When I talk to people about what I went through, their first question is often, “But why did you stay/why did you let her treat you like that?” There are two answers to this question; the first and most overpowering reason? Fear. I was afraid of what revenge she might seek if I left, because she, along with every other narcissist in the book, is well versed in deception, and renowned for their ability to deceive and convince others that it is they who are the victim.
The second was that from the very beginning of our relationship I was unknowingly and gradually brainwashed, gaslit, bullied, and manipulated. I was dead before I realized I was dying. Narcissists are incapable of experiencing real love or empathy, but they do a good job at pretending they do, and if you’ve never encountered one before, or don’t know what to look out for, then (like I was) you can be easily taken in. Narcissists deliberately set out to destroy your life, along with your sense of self, your self-esteem, and they do it all while making you feel as though its all your fault, and you are letting them down.
While there are many different theories on what causes narcissism, it is generally agreed that narcissists have very poor self-worth but are often successful people working in jobs that fuel their need to feel self-important. They are exploitative, envious, greedy, materialistic, have a deep sense of insecurity, and a delusional level of grandiosity with zero regard for how their behavior affects others around them.
It took me a long time to gather the strength and bravery to leave, but the moment I did I felt relief. All of a sudden I realized she couldn’t touch me anymore! I was free, and I was ok! Whoever she spread her lies to, it didn’t matter. I had my family, my friends, but most importantly I had rediscovered myself.
Now I have a fantastic therapist who is helping me recover from PTSD, bought on from dealing with narcissistic abuse. I am healing, and I live happily in a quiet, peaceful town with my children and my wife, and even though I still sometimes have nightmares, these dreams, like last night, remind me that I was brave enough to leave.
- The Second Step is Healing
If you think you might be dealing with a narcissist, check out the Help Guide’s list on Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which gives an in-depth look into how to spot a narcissist, and Bree Bonchay’s website Free From Toxic, which features articles on dealing with, and healing from a narcissist.
Below are some tips on how to recover from Narcissistic Abuse:
- Find a therapist to talk to on sites like BetterHelp or PsychologyToday. Take your time to decide on the right one for you. Test a few out, and try not to worry if it takes a few attempts to find the right one, it’s important that you feel comfortable. This article has brilliant universal tips for Finding the Right Therapist For You.
- When you begin revisiting and processing the trauma you may experience moments of dissociation, anxiety, panic, etc. It’s important to work on How to Ground Yourself alongside your trauma recovery process. This might mean practicing breathing tips, saying your feelings out loud, writing them down, being held by somebody you trust, walking, or going outside in your yard barefoot, touching trees, or holding a favorite stone or shell (a technique my therapist uses). As soon as you feel the first tell-tale signs of anxiety, panic, or a panic attack, utilize these tools to help calm yourself down.
- Cut all contact with the narcissist. Do not engage in conversation, arguments, or try to explain or justify why you have left. If you absolutely have to maintain contact, or you are negotiating with an ex-partner about childcare, use a mediation service so that you are not dealing directly with the narcissist.
- Join narcissist survival groups on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or other social media sites. Please bear in mind, however, that involving yourself in these groups, seeing the posts, and reading other people’s stories could, for some people, be more triggering than helpful.
- Process your trauma at your own rate. Don’t be afraid to ask your therapist to slow down, to pause, or to tell them that you are struggling.
- Consider downloading an emotional health assistant app like Youper, writing a journal (or a dream journal if you are experiencing nightmares) or creating a safe space at home for you to help keep yourself on track outside of therapy. YouTube therapist Katie Morton has a great video on What It’s Like To Be In A Relationship With A Narcissist, and how journaling could help aid recovery. She also has an entire Narcissism Playlist clearly and sensitively explaining: Gaslighting, How to Tell if You Are Being Manipulated, types of Narcissistic Personality Disorders, along with tips and advice on recovering from and dealing with narcissistic partners or parents.
- And if you’re worried about the possibility of finding yourself trapped by another narcissist in the future, this article from Highly Sensitive Refuse has a great list which explores 7 Ways to Protect Yourself from Narcissists.
Natascha Graham is a multi-award-winning lesbian writer of film, stage, fiction, poetry and non-fiction from Suffolk, UK. Her work has been previously showcased in the West End, Broadway, on BBC Radio, and published in Yahoo News, The Sheepshead Review, Acumen, The Rialto and various other publications worldwide.
Website: www.nataschagrahamwriter.com, Twitter: Natascha_Graham, Email: nataschagrahamwriter@gmail.com
By: Traci Neal
I did manual labor jobs for 15 years. My original dream was to be a professional poet. I wanted to travel like Maya Angelou did and be famous. Still, my pride caused life to shift gears and I began to think poetry was not a stable career. I turned to teaching and tried to become a certified elementary school teacher in South Carolina. But I failed the Praxis II Exam not once, but ten times. It took me ten years to pass the exam. During those years, I got other jobs. After all, I had bills to pay. I took on manual labor jobs to survive. Servant roles such as a book shelver, maid, child care floater, cashier, daycare worker, and an instructional aide. Most of my jobs, I cleaned public toilets. You can imagine the smell of public bathrooms. Often it was unbearable. I hated my life for a while. I hated being in those jobs initially because I wanted to do great things, expected great things for myself. But having these jobs taught me that no one needs a great name to do great things and that every job is important, From the person who cleans the toilet to the CEO of a company.
Almost ready to give up on my teaching certification, I decided to go for my real dream. I realized I could keep writing poetry even while trying to get the certification. This time, I had a new mindset and a new outlook. My gift of poetry was not for me. It was meant to help others, to inspire people to not lose hope and to keep moving forward. Just as I was doing.
Today I am living my dream! I am a professional poet. I find innovative ways to share my poetry with others. I am a voice to the voiceless. I feel the pain of others. I know what it took for me to come out of my pride and I want to encourage others that the only person stopping you from achieving great things is YOU!. Remove doubt. Change your mindset. Go for your dreams.
- Pressure •
Life is pressure.
No other thing can measure the freedom that comes from
God’s only treasure.
People believe the universe surrounds its pleasure.
Out of all creation, no human has created whole nature.
The pressure to be like society has no real identity.
It’s what we see.
Our world has expanded toward immortality.
Our hearts have fractured from stress,
But we have to press.
There is how we find our inner happiness.
We must live.
We may give a better day to someone else’s life.
They need to find their way.
Take a step back. Stop trying to attack.
Let’s learn to carry each other’s sacks.
Be sure to pressure love, joy, sharing, and caring.
I’m daring us to stand out, shout, and stop
letting the world fill us with self-doubt.
I will endure until time finds the cure
to heal a nation that doesn’t desire to be pure.
I’m opening up the gate to reveal a brighter fate.
There is too much hate, but it’s not too late.
We can change and rearrange. Press toward success.
I say, “Yes.”
Traci Neal is a Youth Author, Professional Christian Poet, and Certified Youth Speaker. Featured in The New York Times and 2nd place winner-2021 Taking It Global Poetry Slam (Toronto, Canada). Her book, “Lynn Learns Lessons: Courage To Forgive” is nominated for 2021 Readers Choice with TCK Publishing. Been a radio guest for 22 radio shows including iHeart & VoiceAmerica Empowerment. Find more of her work at www.tracinealspeakerpoet.com or Email info@tracinealspeakerpoet.com