By: L. Shay Bradham
Human beings have an innate need for connections. Being lonely has a negative impact on our well-being. This is different from choosing solitude for a time. Choosing to have time alone means that you have people that you are connected to but you need some time to yourself to rest and recharge.
Back when we were hunter-gatherers, being alone meant you might get attacked and eaten by a mountain lion. You’d be hungry. You couldn’t make it on your own. There is a psychological effect to being lonely. Even though we no longer live in caves or have the threat of being eaten by a mountain lion, we are still biologically programmed to be a part of a community.
I am working towards a degree in Industrial and Organizational Psychology. That is a big fancy phrase that means I study how groups of people interact with each other, work together, and form connections with each other (and why they don’t).
I also teach people about Mindfulness. Most people wander through life without purpose or direction. I teach people how to approach each day with Mindfulness, to bring direction to their lives, and to change their direction if they want to, making a Fresh Start.
I have a personal journey where I began to mindfully create connections with others and how it has enriched my life. I hope it will help you to look at the world in a different way.
We make connections by having something in common:
- Person (family, mutual friend, teacher, mentor, mutual enemy [the enemy of my enemy is my friend])
- Place (school, work, church, restaurant, etc.)
- Thing (Fandom, Goals, Cause, Hobby, etc.)
When this common denominator goes away (new job, new school, etc.), the connection fades unless there is another connection point.
Making friends as a child seems easy, right?
You’re forced to spend 50 hours a week with a room full of other kids. You can’t escape. Some connections are inevitable, really. My connections as a kid were, ironically, with other kids who had a hard time making friends. We were the misfits, and kind of proud of that fact. But it wasn’t easy, and I didn’t have a lot of friends.
Making friends as a grownup seems so much more complicated.
We don’t want to feel like Joey from Friends. (“How YOU doin’?”)
My Connections Journey
Let me preface this by saying that I am an introvert by nature. My default setting is to be a wallflower and watch other people socialize.
When I went to college, I purposefully made myself talk to other people. I had no idea where to start, but I did what I thought was the logical place to start. I lived in a dorm room on the 8th floor. So I started talking to people in elevators. It was a short time where they couldn’t escape.
I sought to make more mindful connections a couple of years ago. We moved to a new house, and I left friends behind. Instead of leaving things up to chance, I decided to be proactive. I developed a “connection mindset” – seeking out opportunities to connect with others and see where it leads.
Strangers, Weak Ties, & Strong Ties
There were a number of studies done by Jillian Sanstrum about how your level of well-being is affected by the number of interactions you have with strangers, weak ties, and strong ties.
When you smile at a barista and make a little conversation for the first time, that is a connection with a stranger. If it’s a place you frequent and you recognize each other as you walk in, that is a weak tie. Strong ties are friends and family that you feel a connection to. Not everyone feels a strong connection to family.
Studies have shown that this cumulative effect with people we are weakly connected to actually boosts our happiness and sense of well-being.
During the pandemic, we tried to make time to reach out and connect with our friends and loved ones, but the small interactions with those we didn’t know as well were often cut off. We weren’t stopping by for coffee or going out to restaurants or picking up dry cleaning. Studies have shown that the loss of those “weak ties” connections had an impact on our well-being. Some places closed during the pandemic, so those connections were permanently lost, with a long-lasting impact.
After my journey to make mindful connections began, I started 2 groups around 2 of my interests. I have virtual and in-person events. I have some members who cannot drive, so the virtual events make sure they have a way to join the others and make some connections that way.
Before you discount online connections: I met my husband on Twitter, and my daughter’s best friend is someone she met playing Minecraft 10 years ago. We lived in SC and he lived in MA, and we ended up moving less than an hour away from him. He took her around to see the city, fill out job applications, and helped her learn how to use public transportation before she had her license. He is like a son to me, and he calls me Mom.
One of my best friends is also a writer and I met her online. She has traveled over 200 miles to help me run a booth at an event. I adore her. And we met because she posted something in a business group that caught my eye. I thought: I like her. We should be friends. I reached out to her, and we’ve become very close.
Anyway, getting back to the groups:
I ask three questions to join. Two are related to the specific group, but it’s the last question was what was so eye-opening for me: “Why did you join this group?”
Ninety percent said something like this:
- “I want to make more friends.”
- “I’m lonely.”
- “I want to connect with other people who share my interests.”
- “I’m tired of being by myself.”
- “I want to get out of my house and meet new people.”
This really opened my eyes. People need connections. They are looking for connections. To ignore that is hurtful.
How to develop a connection mindset
The first thing to understand is that not everyone wants to make new friends, and that is totally okay. Not everyone is going to be a strong tie or a best friend, and that is okay, too.
My job is to provide an opening. If they are closed to that opportunity, my obligation is to then respect that boundary. No harm, no foul. We’re cool. I don’t push, I don’t pry, and I am not offended in any way. I smile and then shift to another topic (if it’s someone I need to continue to interact with, like a server in a restaurant) or politely leave if need be.
How do you provide an opening? Jillian Sanstrum says that she starts off with something like, “How is your day going?”
I’m not a fan of that approach. I find it’s a little generic, and you never know where it’s going to lead.
I prefer to look for clues that show what the person is interested in. A necklace, a pin, a tattoo, a T-shirt. Maybe it’s something they say. Then I ask them to tell me the story behind whatever it is. “That’s a lovely necklace. Where did you get it?” Tattoos are my favorite because every tattoo has a story behind it. “I love your tattoo. What is the story behind it?’
Strike up a conversation and see where it goes. The key to this is that you are not looking for any specific outcome. This isn’t Amway. You don’t have a quota. You’re not trying to level up. You are just offering the chance for a connection.
If it’s appropriate, The next step is the most important: provide a way for them to keep in touch. I have cards for my groups. I have pens. (Over 1500 pens, in case anyone wants one. Or 2. Or 10.)
You don’t need anything fancy. Choose what you’d like to do. I like business cards because it has a different feel than writing my number down on a piece of paper for someone. That has a different vibe for me. Having a card with my info on it is one way. I also have generic “You’re Awesome!” cards I use to jot my number down, too.
You come up with a way that works for you.
And if it doesn’t feel right to reconnect right then, that’s fine, too. Smile and be on your way. Trust your instincts. Maybe your paths will cross again.
Nurture your connections
In your search for new connections, don’t forget the connections you have already. Reach out. A text, a card, a call – whatever you feel comfortable with.
Don’t leave things vague. Don’t say, “We should get together sometime.” Say, “Would you like to grab coffee next Saturday?”
How willing would you be to make people comfortable connecting with you?
Within a mile of where you are, there is someone who is lonely. Someone who wants to make more friends. Someone who had a friend move away or pass away, and they really need to belong to a community. There is someone who hasn’t talked to anyone for the last couple of days. Studies have shown that 22% of people suffer from extreme loneliness.
In my last job, we called on people to do a health risk assessment. One of the points I trained on during orientation is that for some of the people we called, we were the only person they had talked to all week, so we had to balance our time while still nurturing their need for a connection.
There is someone who wants to go see a movie but doesn’t want to go by themselves. Someone who’d love to go out to eat, but hates to sit alone. Someone who just read a great book or binged something on Netflix, and they would love to talk with someone about it over coffee and cheesecake.
I encourage you to seek out connections in your day to day life. It’s enriching. It’s so rewarding. It’s fun, even for an introvert like me.
To learn more about Mindfulness, please visit www.YourLifeOfJoy.com.
- Shay Bradham is a Trekkie who loves coffee and also writes books. She is the author of the book, Hello, Gorgeous! Welcome to the Sisterhood of Badassery! https://www.yourlifeofjoy.com